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Welcome to Animated CyberKisses
St Patrick's Day Humor Page

Q: What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?
A: Paddy O'Furniture


Q: What do you call an Irishman that bounces
off the walls?
A: Rick O'Shea


An Irishman was in America. He was patiently
waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay
pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this
several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 
"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



An Irish man walks into a pub. 
The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." 
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man
proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third
until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold.
You don't have  to order three at a time. 
I can keep an  eye on it and when you get low
I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two
brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. 
We made a vow to each other that
every Saturday night we'd still drink together. 
So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, 
and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two. 
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your
tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that 
one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine -- 
I just quit drinking."



Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his
patients about his diagnoses.
When he was once consulted by a man who thought he
was going deaf, the good doctor told him, 
"This is a case of excessive nervousness showing 
it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I
happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex
stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker,
whiskey and sex."

"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. 
"Just for a little hearing??"



Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.
The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house
night after night, much to the annoyance of the girl's father. 
One night he couldn't take any more. 
Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, 
"What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" 
"Why, Dad, " said
Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"
"Well, next time," roared her father, "just let him tell you 
what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"



An American tourist was driving in County
Kerry, when his motor stopped. 
He got out to see if he could locate the trouble.
A voice behind him said, 
"The trouble is the carburetor." He turned
around and only saw an old horse. 
The horse said again, "It's the
carburetor that's not working.
"The American nearly died with fright,
and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey,
and told the bartender what the horse had said to him.
"Well, don't pay any attention to him,"
the bartender replied. 
"He knows nothing about cars anyway."



Mrs. Mike O'Shea came into the newsroom to pay
for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly
newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered 
Mike and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. 
She thanked him for his kind words and
bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. 
But she wrote out  the obituary, "Mike died." 
The newsman said he thought old Mike
deserved more and he'd give her three more 
words at no charge. She
thanked him and rewrote the obituary: 
"Mike died. Boat for sale"



Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest
met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink.
He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get
smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This
frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and 
said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting 
smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"



For a holiday, O'Sullivan decided to go to
Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. 
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, 
the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a St. Bernard plowed through to
them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. 
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. 
"Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said O'Sullivan. "An' look at the size of
the dog that's bringin' it!"



"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?"
asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.



The innocent old lady had a huge bottle with
her as she passed through the Irish Customs.
"What have you there?" asked the Customs man with suspicion.
"'Tis Lourdes water, I'm bringing home with me."
He took the bottle, tried some and spluttered.
"Let me tell you," he said, "that's not Lourdes
water. That's first-class French brandy."
"Lord bless us," she said. "It's a miracle!"



An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not
without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their
priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."



In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we
were first married, you took the small piece of steak and
gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook
better now."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and
says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, 
"Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. 
You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. 
"They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. 
"Where are you callin' from?"


 

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